I have not been myself as of late. I’ve been stupid, reckless, insensitive, moody, selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful and just an all around asshole. I am NOT that person!!! I began to self destruct and this is something I swore I’d never do again. When I am flooded with emotions and have piles of stress, I crack. I try to avoid facing my many obstacles and I numb out. The walls have been caving in on me and instead of finding solutions to problems, I created chaos…sheer and utter chaos in my life and in the lives of those I love. I am a dick…and I feel like a complete asshat for being said dick because I AM NOT THAT PERSON!! I am, however, human…and I do make mistakes.
The past month has been challenging, to say the least, on top of my everyday stress of raising my son, dealing with yet another court issue with the ex, moving into a new studio, running a business, trying to be there for others and trying to keep my home in order, I can’t fucking breathe!! My anxiety is insane, my stress level is ridiculous and I am too God damn stubborn and proud to let anyone know what the fuck is going on. I’m not the one who leans, I’m the one that is leaned upon. I’m the rock, the strong one, the fiercely independent one…the one you’ll never see blink at the sign of trouble or hardships …unfortunately things are not always as they seem. I’m not always a pillar of strength and sometimes I need to be allowed to feel what I’m going through too WITHOUT people telling me to not worry….all that does is irritate me. I don’t want anyone to tell me how to feel, I want someone to listen for fucks sake and not try to fix me…I’ll do that and boy do I have my work cut out for me…
I’ve had some health issues which led to fear, that fear led to sadness over unresolved issues that I have with my family, sadness of those issues led to the anger that caused said issues, anger led to lashing out at others who didn’t deserve it and the lashing out led to complete and utter disappointment with mysef….and that led to me ripping myself apart. You can kind of see the vicious circle I’ve been in lately. This vicious circle led to the inability to focus on my business which of course turns into financial stress…. it’s a roller-coaster ride of emotional cluster fuck. I’m done…toast, I’m over it and I’m putting my foot down. No more of Kimberly’s self destruct bullshit, no more not dealing with my shit. I apparently have some more healing to do and some more soul searching. I will not be that idiot that ruins her life because she’s too damn bull headed to admit that I may not be the bullshit idea of strength that people seem to think I am. Atleast I’m smart enough to see it, own it, face it and deal with it…and I will. My only hope is that some things are not too damaged to repair at this point. Apologies only work when accepted…opinions only change when they see change and the consequences to my actions are mine to own and that is exactly what I’ll do. So…here I go, sucking it up and owning my shit. What will be will be and no matter the outcome, life will go on.
Tomorrow is a new day