Feeling feelings….lots of feelings

I have not been myself as of late. I’ve been stupid, reckless, insensitive, moody, selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful and just an all around asshole. I am NOT that person!!! I began to self destruct and this is something I swore I’d never do again. When I am flooded with emotions and have piles of stress, I crack. I try to avoid facing my many obstacles and I numb out. The walls have been caving in on me and instead of finding solutions to problems, I created chaos…sheer and utter chaos in my life and in the lives of those I love. I am a dick…and I feel like a complete  asshat for being said dick because I AM NOT THAT PERSON!! I am, however, human…and I do make mistakes.

The past month has been challenging, to say the least, on top of my everyday stress of raising my son, dealing with yet another court issue with the ex, moving into a new studio, running a business, trying to be there for others and trying to keep my home in order, I can’t fucking breathe!! My anxiety is insane, my stress level is ridiculous and I am too God damn stubborn and proud to let anyone know what the fuck is going on. I’m not the one who leans, I’m the one that is leaned upon. I’m the rock, the strong one, the fiercely independent one…the one you’ll never see blink at the sign of trouble or hardships …unfortunately things are not always as they seem. I’m not always a pillar of strength and sometimes I need to be allowed to feel what I’m going through too WITHOUT people telling me to not worry….all that does is irritate me. I don’t want anyone to tell me how to feel, I want someone to listen for fucks sake and not try to fix me…I’ll do that and boy do I have my work cut out for me…

I’ve had some health issues which led to fear, that fear led to sadness over unresolved issues that I have with my family, sadness of those issues led to the anger that caused said issues, anger led to lashing out at others who didn’t deserve it and the lashing out led to complete and utter disappointment with mysef….and that led to me ripping myself apart. You can kind of see the vicious circle I’ve been in lately. This vicious circle led to the inability to focus on my business which of course turns into financial stress…. it’s a roller-coaster ride of emotional cluster fuck. I’m done…toast, I’m over it and I’m putting my foot down. No more of Kimberly’s self destruct bullshit, no more not dealing with my shit. I apparently have some more healing to do and some more soul searching. I will not be that idiot that ruins her life because she’s too damn bull headed to admit that I may not be the bullshit idea of strength that people seem to think I am. Atleast I’m smart enough to see it, own it, face it and deal with it…and I will. My only hope is that some things are not too damaged to repair at this point. Apologies only work when accepted…opinions only change when they see change and the consequences to my actions are mine to own and that is exactly what I’ll do. So…here I go, sucking it up and owning my shit. What will be will be and  no matter the outcome, life will go on.

Tomorrow is a new day

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Living and learning every day

I’ve learned over the past few years to watch, observe, listen and let people soak in. Within minutes or days they will show themselves for who and what they are, what is and is not important to them and how they handle situations of any kind. I’m often disappointed but honestly,  let’s face it…every thing in a person that ultimately hurts or disappoints us is a reflection of ourself and yet another part that needs to heal. I’ve found yet another part of myself that I need to rip apart and dig down deep to heal…I’ve found another one of my poisons that I hold within myself. I’ve found that depending on or feeling for one second that I need someone is something I have to really let go of. I have to accept that I’ll cry more alone than I will on someone’s shoulder,  I’ll yell at myself more than I will at others, I’ll hurt more than any pain I’ll ever cause and when I feel like I’m drowning it’s up to me and only me to breathe life back into myself. I seem to have become more of a rock and sounding board to others to the point that my worries, fears, insecurities get left for me to deal with on my own. When you find yourself scared, angry, anxiety ridden and alone to cope and “be positive” without anyone being your cheerleader or just present is the point in which you wake up and realize…it’s time to make a change and rise above to a higher level of existence so that you attract those in your life who feel similarly.
People always show themselves and I’ve seen some very good and some not so good in a time where I needed great.
I’m worth great…we’re all worth great.

Jokes on you…

Six years ago I picked up a camera and began a journey that I had no idea would end up where it has. When I began I had no idea what the hell is was doing. I didn’t know what ISO was, aperture, shutter speed…etc. I didn’t know what RAW meant or how to properly compose images or manipulate light…I just knew I liked it and my pictures looked pretty good. What started out as a hobby turned into a full time career that has supported my family and fed my soul. It has been a hard road filled with doubters, disbelievers and critics…the worst being my family and friends. I was told that believing I could become successful at this was nothing short of a joke. I was told to get a real job and that I was crazy and irresponsible for choosing photography as a career because it can never be any more than a hobby. Well, look at me now!! I have been published in over 20 magazines, had my work hung in galleries, I have followers from all over the world, I have met and worked with some of the most incredible people, I have won awards, am a member of some prestigious groups of photographers who respect my work and I skip to work every damn day. I took a chance and decided to work towards my dreams instead of working towards what everyone else thought I should do. I never gave up and believe me when I say, I never will. I’m a fighter, a creator, a dreamer, a believer, a romantic and a God damn warrior and I don’t quit! The people who laughed at me are the quitters, the weak and sad ones living in their box that makes them miserable and hateful towards those of us who actually faced our fear of failure and worked at our dreams so we could achieve happiness and fulfillment. So…tell me, who’s laughing now? Not me….because the difference between you and I is that I also believe that there is still hope that you will also see the light and realize you are more than a number. We each were given a gift to share….to contribute to this world and so many waste it because of fear of judgment and failure. If life is dragging you down and you have to talk yourself into waking up everyday just to get through it, you’re doing it wrong. Life doesn’t happen to us, we happen to life and when you decide that no one’s opinion of you matters and you take a chance on you….that’s when the magic happens. Stop cheating the world out of your gifts…whatever they may be.

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This is a game changer peeps…

So….deep breath

Today I am the official tenant of my very own photography studio…. I don’t have to share it, I don’t have to leave it, I am not restricted by any means as to how long or how often I shoot. This is FUCKING HUGE!!!! This is my first SOLO studio!!! Gaaaah!!! I am free to create, to build my business to whatever heights I so choose and those who know me….the sky is the limit. I’ve been dying inside not being able to freely express myself through my photos just by the restrictions of a shared space. I can honestly say, though it suited my business needs to a point…I will never do an hourly based space again. You can’t put this girl in a box…no sir. So…keep an eye out for some incredible Kimberly Meadows originals because I’ve been cooped up for WAY too long. Bring it on creative juices…mama’s ready to play!!!

Just a taste of what you’re in for…some of my past favorite pieces.

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Can I get an OFF switch please?

Today has been kind of hard emotionally for me. I’ve not been myself today, my heart hurts and to me, that’s the worst kind of pain. I have to be careful not to let myself live in that pain for too long.

I’ve been missing things alot today. I miss home (Indiana) I miss having someone to talk to on a more intimate level. I miss being held, I miss that look that you get from the one who loves you. I miss the intimacy of a true partner. I miss being appreciated by someone. I miss loving someone. Sadly finding that looks more and more out of reach every day.

I’m finding that at my age everyone is broken. Noone is emotionally available or willing to commit their time and energy to one person. It seems these days that in relationships people all have wandering eyes and are spending their time paying attention to others that they stop learning about eachother. When I date someone I don’t want to feel like an option, ever! Noone should ever make another human being feel that way. Social media and the Internet have opened us up to the entire world at any given moment. People now keep one eye on the door waiting for something better….relationships can’t function in a healthy manner like this. If you come to me, come to only me. I will focus my attention to finding out who you are and what is in your soul. Otherwise please keep your distance because always looking for something else will only hurt us both. It needs to stop and we need to find our way back to when we respected eachother and truly opened our hearts to people. It’s all games and stupidity now. Who can hurt who more, how can we make the other jealous…this isn’t a representation of love, that is ownership and the complete opposite of what love is. Keeping people on a string is selfish and is not even close to what someone does that loves you. If that’s the only love left in this world, I don’t want it. If you have someone or many on a string right now, let them go and if you’re the one being kept on one you need to love yourself enough to let go and don’t look back. What you’re holding onto is someone who’s  desires, needs, wants that they care about are their own…it certainly isn’t you and you are now their option…be someone’s choice. We all deserve to be chosen by someone who appreciates our value.

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Dear Mr judgy pants…

Here’s to the haters that say I’m too much..
I post too much
I feel too much
I say too much
I think too much
My boobs are too much
I make too much
I’m proud too much
I live too much
I say what I think too much
I live too much
I love too much
….I hope one day you are too much because why be any less than fucking amazing

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Happy forced interaction day! AKA Easter

I know there are actually functional families who enjoy each other… I just happen to not be a part of one. I never understood why holidays are the time for fake smiles and pretending to actually be a family. I have grown to hate holidays because I would much rather be alone than be around people that I clearly know don’t want to be together. Nothing would piss me off more than watching my mother put on a show trying to convince everyone that she’s a decent human being. I mean seriously… we don’t even like each other…at all so why? What’s the point? We never went to church sooooo…..why are we celebrating something that we weren’t even raised to believe in? Its hypocritical and pointless in my opinion. Today is just another Sunday to me..I have no desire to put on a stupid pastel dress and hunt for fucking eggs all the while staring at the clock wondering if its safe to leave yet. I am so tired of pretending to enjoy people that I clearly do not because they are ‘family’… I refuse to do it. So, to the functional families, enjoy your time together…to those suffering through a day of complete bullshit…just know it’s ok to leave.

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I was raised by a wolf…no really, I’m serious

Like many women out there I was raised to believe that my only use to this world was to be a good wife and mother. I was told I’d never be anyone or have any importance in this life other than to be a fixture on some unappreciative mans arm and live in his cage built for me with no room to breathe. I was often told I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough or talented enough to achieve any of my dreams I actually dared to dream when I was younger. I never fit in this cage that everyone felt I ‘needed’. I’ve always felt my insane need for freedom and expression. I lived miserably for years often wondering why I never received the love that I felt compelled to have and often found myself twisting myself into knots trying to fit what others felt I should be. I was sad, lost, angry and played victim for so many years…and then she walked in.

Two years ago a woman crashed into my life like a god damn wrecking ball. She was beautiful, intriguing and had this sense of presence about her that I could only envy at the time. I felt so inferior around her because she was everything I wasn’t, everything I was told I couldn’t or shouldn’t be as a woman. She was fierce, a force to be reckoned with. She was like a hurricane that blew through my tiny little world in my tiny little box. This woman demanded to be seen, heard, respected and would settle for no less than she deserved in life, love and friendship. Her name was Jenn and little did I know she was about to turn my world upside down.

Jenn and I became friends, we talked regularly and she began to pull me out of my darkness little by little. We connected on a level that most people don’t either acknowledge or understand. She forced me to see myself, really see myself but more importantly she made me want to. I wanted to feel the confidence that radiated off of her and in order to do that, I had to rip my life apart. Jenn was my spiritual ass kicker and boy does she know how to kick some ass. She was intense as fuck and intimidating to no end, at that time anyway.

I met with resistance after the intensity of her became too much for me to handle. I stepped away for a while and fell back into my man pleasing boring ass victim bullshit. I needed to take a breather and let all of her words and insight sink in. I needed to be with my miserable self a little longer so I could finally be ok with letting shit go. I had to get to the bottom before I decided I’m worth rising higher and actually do the work to heal. 

Once I got my head out of my ass, jenn and I reconnected. We have laughed, cried, yelled and had some more than interesting conversations. Jenn led me down the road of self discovery and love. She helped me see my worth that for so long so many had tried to destroy. I began to own my choices in life and let the toxic go. I owned my screw ups and stopped blaming others and life for all of the bad decisions that I made that ultimately created my shitty life at that moment. I chose to rise above who I thought I SHOULD be and began blossoming into who I COULD be. I began to own and love my sexuality, my talent, my intelligence, my voice and I stopped living for others. I began to experience what living fearlessly felt like and I LOVED IT! I stopped being afraid of failure, judgment, rejection and threw out society’s bullshit picture of who I was supposed to be. I became free from the chains that bound me for so long. I fell in love with myself because I am a beautiful bad ass who has so very much to offer this world. I stopped being a sheep and instead became the wolf I was always meant to be.

There are people who will come into your life that will scare the shit out of you. They will come in like a wrecking ball destroying your perfect little box you created for yourself. You will begin to question your sense of self worth and begin believing you ARE worthy of everything you’ve ever dreamed. They will light your excuses on fire and burn them with a wink and a smile. You will begin to feel free, capable and you will crave the confidence and intensity that radiates off of them. These people are not to be ignored as they come into your life when you are ready. They are the alphas, the pack leaders who will not allow you to settle in a cage and quite possibly, I’m one of them. 

 

So…here goes nothing

I’ve been told by quite a few friends that I need to start a blog. Throughout this crazy journey of self discovery and learning, it seems I have some wise words as well as witty humor and a unfiltered opinion about damn near everything. This is my platform to share such things and it is for pure entertainment and a place for me to address things that I am feeling or thinking about any given subject at any given time. Isn’t the internet fun! You are going to find that I have a wide variety of craziness that I will openly share, I will have words of encouragement, some poetry and pretty much anything else I feel compelled to share. I am not asking anyone to like, agree with or share in my thoughts or opinions as I know we all are unique individuals with minds of our own. If something I say resonates, please comment or share! This is a whole new world for me but I’m looking at it as an adventure. Cheers to new things and freedom of speech! Screenshot_2016-03-20-10-02-04-1